[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
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The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito