Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
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when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again