The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
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I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
This classic never gets old . . .
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’