A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
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[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Nothing to do, you say?
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.