i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
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Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving