My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
You Might Also Like
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise