Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
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“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
I’d rather go liquor treating.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.