On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
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Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
How I like cutting carbs
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Oh, I bet you would be