My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
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Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
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Me: Same.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
No. He’s not coming out to play
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out