ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
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I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
I’m pretty like a car crash.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!