The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
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who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Pringles
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
What in the hipster hell is going on here
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
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Oops. The surgery went well but…..
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.