thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
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If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Nice try Hitler
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.