chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
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Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
I am crying
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.