My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
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7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well