Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
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Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.