PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
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Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
The Punning Dead.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.