Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
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whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
The funk soul brother
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
This is a sub tweet
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.