Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
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No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior