Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
You Might Also Like
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
This is me 🤣🤣
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.