If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
You Might Also Like
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Have kids, they said
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.