Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
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I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Sponch
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket