On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
You Might Also Like
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.