Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
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I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
Damn what did I do next
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker