me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
You Might Also Like
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*