I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
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“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.