[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
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“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
I bet birds love this building.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]