Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
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If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls