OMG 🤣🤣
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Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano