When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
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I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Spider-cat: No One Home
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.