So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
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Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
White Castle for the Win
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁