Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
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ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
fr
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
I falcon love using swear birds
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made