“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
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I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.