Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
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Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.