People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
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Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now