Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
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*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.