For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
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Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy