BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
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Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard