Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
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I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
We avoided this particular disaster
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
Sharon, call the vet