In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
You Might Also Like
The old gods are rising again.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”