if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
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[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Always
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
oh my god
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.