Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
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If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Yep.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
translated into Canadian
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*