Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
You Might Also Like
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
the saddest jazz hands ever
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Are we there yet?…
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils