“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
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I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.