Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
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“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?