Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
You Might Also Like
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos