Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
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How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse