[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
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Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Brands during Pride
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice