[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
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23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies