Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
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Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
i love meeting boys on tinder
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.