I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
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I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
my fav colour is also hitler
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.